An internet love story- a danisnotonfire fanfiction
by lucygrime5
Summary: Clara is a aspiring YouTuber, who manages to get the chance to meet with the infamous Dan Howell. But this story is far from simple, as Clara learns that not every love is shared and just how hard a broken-heart is to fix.
1. Chapter 1

"Come on! Only twenty one left! I'm so close now!" I kneel by my laptop, on my bed. Pulling my duvet into a messy ball, as my excitement and anticipation reaches a climax. "Oh, eleven!" I shout, getting closer to the screen, keeping my eyes on the box with the increasing numbers. When the number increases again, i squeal, jumping up, too nervous to sit still.

I pick up the laptop, holding it in my arms, as i hit 'refresh'. "Wohoo! I did it! Yes! I did it!" I shout, jumping up and down, not caring about the leads caught up around my ankles. "Yes! Ten thousand!" I almost throw the laptop onto my bed, racing downstairs to spread the news. "Mum, mum! I reached 10,000 subscribers!" Mum looks up from her ironing, a rare smile creeping onto her face. "Oh Clara, that's brilliant! You've worked so hard."

I lean over the huge pile of laundry, hugging my mum. "Wow, i'm so proud of my little youtuber!" "Mum, i'm not little anymore! 22 isn't young and i'm not sure that you could class me as a proper youtuber. You have to have at least 200,000 to be invited to youtube headquarters in London." "Well, i'm still over the moon for you darling."

She returns to her work and i walk back upstairs, lying down on my bed and grinning as i look again at my channel. "Well, i'm ten thousand closer to one million." I say to myself, closing down the laptop and getting back up to take a shower.

The next morning i have a new email, from an address which makes my heart race, i read the message from 'youtube admin', which tells me about an exclusive event for 'up-and-coming' youtubers, with talks, tips and tales from experienced and more well known stars. Without a seconds thought i email back with my reply and straight away look at train tickets to London.

Because i live 4 hours away from London, the price is pretty huge, but i know that i just have to go. I sigh as i look over at my glass jar, stuffed full of saved notes, from my job. I had been saving it for a deposit on a house or a flat for the future, but i guess that i would have to break in and use some. With bated breath i press 'buy' and sit back as i mentally start planning my journey.

I had a full time job at a local cafe down the road, and as they only employed me and one other girl, i was there waitressing pretty much 24/7. It completely tired me out, some days i would get home at around midnight, my eyes shutting, but i would still find time to make videos. If i spent 90% of my time at work, then the other 10% would be in front of my camera or sitting at my desk, editing. My life wasn't the greatest, in fact it was far from it, but YouTube was my escape. From my stresses, my worries, my work and reality. Which was why being invited to an official meeting with YouTube, made me feel as excited as i had ever felt in my entire life.

Although, there was one little thing that made me slightly worried, the fact that i might be completely awkward around some of the most amazing people in the world, especially if my one true favourite YouTube would be there. Dan Howell.

I get up from my bed and start getting ready for yet another manic day at work, brushing through my blonde wavy hair into a high up messy bun, al la Zoella. I look at my mirror, sighing as i see a new bunch of spots appearing on my chin. My small nose wrinkles, my green eyes scrunch up and my thin, slightly wonky lips fall into a forced smile. "Come on then, hell awaits."

But i know that thinking about the meeting will keep me feeling sane. It would be something that i could use to keep me going, in just two weeks i would be there. The place where every hopeful YouTuber longs to go.


	2. Chapter 2

I settle down into a window seat, armed with a fully charged iPod, a big bag of chocolate buttons, a new John Green book and my phone. The rest of the train is empty, our village being so small that everyone knows everyone, and they all had heard about my trip to London. I look out of the window as i start to move, steadily, then getting faster as i yawn, having had to get the 6am train, to arrive in London for the right time.

Each stop, brings about a couple of people onto the train, all looking half asleep and staring blankly at their phones. I laugh inside my head, British trains were exactly the same, all silent, all boring and all so disappointing. Nevertheless, i was over the moon, it had been years since i had last gone to London, let alone go a few miles out of the safety of the village. I remember mum once taking me, we went on the London eye and i cried the whole way round; that was the day i realised that i was scared of heights.

I was going to get the train back after the event finished that evening, but it would be about half two in the morning and mum didn't me on my own at that time of night, so she insisted on paying for a hotel for me and made me promise to ring her when i got back to my hotel room.

Three hours into the journey, and i was bored out of my head. So bad, that i was starting to think that work was better than a train journey. I finish off my bag of buttons, turn the last page of my book and watch as my ipod screen turns black. To keep myself from going mad, i invent a game in my head. It's to look at all the people on the train, and in turn create a back story for them all.

I start with the woman, dressed in a white suit, across from me. She must be an undercover spy, working for Russia, sneaking into London to blow up Buckingham Palace and expose all the Queen's secrets. And the man sitting next to her, an astronaut, just got back from living on a rocket for fifteen months. He's here to mingle with people, trying to remember how to act normally. Oh yes, he's also just fallen in love with the Russian spy.

Lastly we have the hugely suspicious man, who appears to be eating his own mustache. I try and try to think of an explanation for his odd behavior but give up, settling for that he is placed on this train to puzzle people and see what actions put people off.

Finally, we pull into Waterloo and i am the first one to jump off the train and start exploring London. My legs are aching from sitting for so long, so i decide to walk to YouTube, inside of a taxi.

I get there five minutes early, but already there is a large of group of girls in a circle, all chatting away and laughing. There's also another other smaller group of people, full of boys all fighting and yelling. I avoid them and take a seat in the corner, not allowing myself to be put off by the fact that everyone has made friends. I'm not prepared to mess another thing up, just because i am on my own. I'm not five anymore, i can cope with the odd one out.

A woman walks into the room, holding a clipboard, who coughs for attention, it takes a few seconds for the girls to completely settle down. I curse them in my head. "Right, so. I would like to start things off with a massive hello! And a warm welcome to YouTube HQ. I'm sure that you will have seen this place mentioned before in many videos, so you will realise just how lucky and talented you are to be here today. We pick only the best newcomer stars of the small screen and you all have the potential to make it. Of course, some more than others. So today, we would like to other you the chance to improve your video making skills, editing skills and get hints and tips of how to get a larger audience with even better content. So do that, we've called in a few big names of the website to give small talks to you and give you the chance to ask them questions. Just one word of warning though, do not waste this time by fangirling over these YouTubers, because i can assure you, that would be a big waste."

A few giggles go round the room and i start to wonder whether i should just go, do i really want to spend a day with all these teenagers, all hoping to hit that one million subscribers milestone. Or should i just go home, help my mum with the housework keep on making my videos the way i have always done. I mean, i must be doing something right to even get one subscriber.

"Right, lets get started. Please take a seat." She waits for everyone to get seated, the excitement mounting in the room, too late to turn back now. "I would like to introduce our first speaker of the day, someone who needs no introduction, but i'll give you a clue. He's most definitely not on fire!" A few screams go round, mine included as Dan Howell walks calmly into the room, waving and giving us all his smoldering smile.


	3. Chapter 3

I sit in complete awe as he starts talking, not able to take in that he is actually standing in front of me. Dan Howell, my most favorite YouTuber in the entire world, is standing in front of me. And i'm not listening to a word he is saying.

I snap back into reality and start focusing on what he is saying. Oh, it would be easy to do, if his hair didn't look so perfect and if he hadn't dressed so coolly and wasn't wearing such a heart meltingly, so insane it's amazing, smile on his face.

So i sit there, watching as he walks about, waving his hands passionately and seeing that twinkle in his eye when he talked about videos. Little did i know, that would be that first of many times i would notice that twinkle, that special glint which never failed to make my heart skip and my head feel dizzy with wonder.

"So, that is basically everything. I hope that i haven't completely bored you all, or made you think that i'm some crazy guy who has no idea what he's talking about. And if even one of you feels slightly more 'in-the-know' about YouTube, then that's made my day. Thanks for listening guys." He finishes, as we all erupt into applause and he blushes. "Thank you Dan, that was great! I think that everyone enjoyed that. So, we'll have a break now and afterwards we moving onto new, original video ideas."

I watch as a load of girls go straight over to Dan, all squealing and getting out their phones to take photos. I hang back, not wanting to look like just another fangirl, which i really was. Instead i walk over to a table with drinks and snacks on and pour myself a cup of tea and munch on a biscuit. "Good choice." i jump at the sudden voice behind me, spilling my tea a little. I turn round and to my shock i see Dan. "I mean, their my favorite biscuit, so good choice. Sorry, didn't mean to make you jump."

He grins at me and in that moment i felt as though i would just crumble to the floor in happiness. "Oh..right. It's ok, i'm fine." I stumble out, trying my hardest to keep cool and not ruin my moment with Dan. He chuckles awkwardly and i sense that he is about to walk away, "That was a great speech." I quickly say, as he relaxes a bit. "Oh, thanks. I kind of wrote it on my way over here. Very typical Dan, procrastinating till the last minute." I laugh, still unsure of what to say. "Well, i couldn't notice anyway. Are you here all day?" I try my hardest to sound causal. "Um, not sure. Might go into town and do some shopping after this, so maybe just another five minutes." "Oh, ok."

"Dan! Can i have another photo? The last one blurred." A girl with short jet black hair pops up out of nowhere, holding out her phone towards him. He looks apologetically at me, and then smiles at the girl. "Sure."

I walk off, even though i had just met my idol, i felt down and i couldn't exactly think why. I finish my tea, looking out at the view of one of the large windows; at the impressive London skyline. I realise that i need the toilet and follow a sign, through a door and down a corridor to the ladies. I walk down the stairs to reach the door, but on my way Dan shouts behind me. "Those are closed, you need to go back up here." I turn round to look at him, but as i do i lose my balance on the narrow step and find myself falling down three steps onto the hard floor.

"Oh God! Are you ok? I'm so, so sorry." He bounds down the steps, running towards me, "Are you alright?" As he asks me, i try to assess the damage done to me. "Er, i think so." I say unsure. He holds out a hand to me, helping me up. Apart from the shock, i seemed to be ok, but by the look on Dan's face, he must have seen an injury. "What is it?" I ask. "You're bleeding on your leg. I think you cut it." He bends down, making it hard for me to see the cut. "Yeah, it doesn't look deep, but you need it cleaned."

"Ok. Urgh! I'm so clumsy, why did i have to ruin today?" I say angrily at myself. "God, i'm so sorry." He says again, actually looking very upset. "It will be ok, but i don't want to show them my injury, they'll probably send me to A and E and then that will take all day." "If you want, i could take you back to my flat. I think that we have a first aid kit somewhere." "Really?" "Yeah, it's the least i could do. Seeing as i caused the accident. It's not too far to walk." "Well if you're sure..." "Yes! Of course. Though, do you need some help up the stairs?" I follow his gaze back up the stairs and nod sheepishly, though after what he had said, i was in cloud nine, like nothing could ever possibly bring me down.


	4. Chapter 4

"Here we go, sorry you had to walk." He unlocks the door and i hobble in, my mouth dropping as i step inside the famous flat. I feel out of place, like a lucky fan who won a competition to get to go Dan and Phil's flat. "Just take a seat." He pulls up a chair from the dining table and i sit down gratefully. "I'll just go and find the first aid box. Be back in a minute."

I take a look around the room, taking in every little detail and trying to create a mental photograph so that i can always remember this place. I hear voices coming from another room, i recognize Phil's voice and feel excited at the chance to meet him too. Dan walks back in a few seconds later, holding up a small green bag and smiling cheerfully. "Success!" He says, placing the box on the table and rummaging through its contents.

"Ok, i found some wipes to clean the cut and then i could a put a plaster on?" He offers, clearly enjoying being a doctor. "Sounds good to me Dr. Dan. I'm in your hands." He kneels down in front of me, i watch the concentration on his face as he very softly and carefully dabs at my leg. I find myself transfixed by him, watching the slight crinkles round his eyes as he stares at what he is doing.

I wince slightly as the wipe touches my skin, he looks up straight away, a worried expression on his face. "No, it's ok." I reassure him and he continues with his work. As he finishes cleaning, his hand touches my leg, sending my whole body into a moment of shock and delight. Like i have electric sparks running through my leg, up my body and straight to the core of my heart.

"Done!" He sits back, as he places the plaster on. "Thank you so much Dan, you saved my life!" I joke, relaxing as he stands back up again, tidying away the box. "It's my pleasure young lady." Then his hand shoots up to his mouth, his eyes wide with realization. "What is it?" I ask, feeling a rush of nerves. "I don't know your name!" He says, looking horrified. "Oh yeah! I never told you. I'm Clara, lovely to meet you." I hold out my hand and he shakes it. "What a beautiful name Clara, i'll make sure that i don't forget it."

I giggle and then there is a long moment of silence, as i realise that i should probably leave, but just as i am about to suggest it, Phil walks in the room. "Dan, where did you say you put the charger?" "Um, it's on my bed. Phil, this is Clara by the way." He waves at me, like i am an old friend. "Hi Clara, lovely to meet you! I'm Phil." "Hi Phil." I say, almost shaking with nerves from meeting both of the boys, in their own flat. "I'm actually a huge fan of you both." I admit, scared they will want me to leave.

But they turn to each together and laugh. "Really? That's great." Dan says. "Yeah, i've been subscribed for about 4 years now." "Wow, that's impressive. Though, i have to ask. Whose your favourite?" Phil asks, both of them clearly enjoying themselves. "Um, that's a tough one. I can't say for sure, partly because i don't want to offend either of you."

They both laugh again, "Ok, fair enough. I'll ask again later on then. Once you've got to know just how amazing i am in real life." Phil laughs and walks off, leaving me hopeful that perhaps i will get to know them better. "So, what do you want to do?" Dan asks, standing above me. "Well, maybe i should go actually. I don't want to be more of a bother to you." I stand up, trying to balance. Dan luckily grabs my arm, just as i am about to fall over. "No, really. I can't let you go like this anyway, so you might as well hang out here till your leg is better."

"Ok." Is all i can manage, as Dan moves me over to the sofa, even pluming up a cushion for me. "Do you want to watch a film?" "Yes!" I say, a bit too eagerly. "Great, do you trust my judgement or do you want to pick?" "No, no. You pick, i'm sure you have perfect taste."

So Dan picks a film, puts into the player and sits down next to me on the sofa. And we sit together, watching the film, on the same sofa. Phil joins us half an hour later, armed with a bowl of popcorn and sits between me and Dan. We watch the film, laugh, joke, chat and eat a tonne of popcorn. By the time the end credits are on the screen, i am 100% sure that i had, just experienced the best 2 hours of my life. Though of course, i wouldn't tell Dan and Phil that.

"That was great." I say, stretching and yawing. "Yeah, it was. Oh god, it's five o'clock already!" Phil says, checking his phone. "Oh right, we should get ready then." Dan replies, and i know that i am in the way of some important event they have to go to. "Sorry Clara, it's just we have a meeting with the producers at the radio show in an hour. We kind of have to go." "No, it's fine! I had a great afternoon, thanks so much guys." "That's ok, we should do this again sometime." "Yes!...Oh, i do live about four hours away from London though. I had to get a train here today." My mood plummets as the chances of us meeting again disappear. "Oh, ok. Well the next time you're down here pop round. We'll take you to dinner or something." "Sounds like a plan."

I manage to stand up by myself this time, as Dan goes to get my coat for me. "Hold on though, you were at a YouTube event, do you have a channel?" He asks. "Yeah, i do. It's not great, but i love making videos, it's an escape for me." "What kind of videos do you make?" "I do advice on certain topics, vlogs and videos a bit like yours, like how much a fail my life is." "Sounds fab! What's your name? I'll check it out." I feel anxious about Dan watching my silly videos, but it is a dream come true to have someone like him watch them. "It's called Chatty Clara Chats." "Right, i'll have a look this evening Chatty Clara Chats. It was great to meet you." "And it was out of this world to meet you." I reply, walking to the door.

"Well, hopefully i might see you around in the future. Let me know when you're next in London." "Yes, definitely. Thanks for letting me into your flat, i can't actually believe that this happened." He chuckles again, leaning against the door frame and i take one last mental image. Of Dan Howell, grinning at me, his eyes twinkling and his hair shiny and perfect. His black t-shirt hanging loosely around his torso, his jeans clinging slimly to his legs and his thin hands by his side.

"Goodbye Clara." "Bye Dan."


	5. Chapter 5

An hour later from leaving Dan and Phil, i check into my hotel and collapse on the bed, overwhelmed with the extreme, unexpected events of the day. I ring home to Mum, deciding for now to brush over the part where i abandon the workshop and go back to two guys flat. She seems distracted so i am grateful when she leaves five minutes later, so that i can just relax and of course watch some videos.

I catch up on my subscription box, read new comments left on my most recent video and indulge in watching Dan's videos. Just after i have finished watching his video about having 'Physio Thoughts', i go back to my channel and to my surprise i see that there is a new comment on one of my videos from Mr Howell, himself.

_hey chatty clara! Your videos are great! I was laughing out loud through most of them and you give some of the best advice on YouTube. I subscribed! Can't wait to see more of your work._

I squeal and start crying a little as i read and re-read his comment. Imagining his voice reading to me. The fact that i can make him laugh and that he thinks that i give good advice is the best news and feedback that i have had. It inspires me so much, that i get out my notebook, from my bag, and write down a new video idea to film when i get back home. It's about unexpected events that happen and change your life and the way you view things forever. I decide to name it; 'The most wonderful things'.

**THE NEXT DAY**

I wake up early, feeling different and full of a sense of excitement. I shower and dress quickly, keeping an eye on the time for my train, seeing as not many go past my village. I let myself read Dan's comment once again, seeing a couple of replies under it, all wondering how he found my videos and how lucky i was. Yesterday was my own little secret, something that i knew would stay with me for a very long time, but what i didn't know, was that it wouldn't be the last time i would meet Dan and Phil.

I leave the hotel at ten, with two hours to spare, i walk slowly to the station; stopping to take in the view of the busy city. I am just five minutes away from the station, when i stop at a little shop to buy a drink and something to eat for the ride home. I walk back out, shoving my bottle into my bag, when across the road i spot Dan, walking fast, looking down at his phone. "Dan! Dan!" I yell, waving my arms in the air and sprinting over to him; only just dodging the cars.

He looks up, as i just reach him, out of breath. "Clara! Hey, what are you doing here?" He stops walking, smiling as we move out of the way of the pavement. "I'm just on my way to the station, but i saw you across the road. Actually, i wanted to say thank you as well. I saw the comment you left me, it really means a lot, thanks." "Oh that's ok. I meant what i wrote, you have a talent for making videos, i think that you can make it." "Really?" "Yes, absolutely. Hey, the next time you come to London, we'll make a video together, that's a promise." "No way! That would be insane! Thanks so much, i'll have to make sure that i come back soon then." "Shall i give you my number so you can text me when you have a date?" "Yes, yes."

We exchange numbers, it takes me a couple of goes to type his number though, my hands can't stop shaking. "Right, well i'll see you soon. Have a safe journey home Clara and keep on making those videos!" "I will, bye Dan!"

I skip to the station, my feet don't seem to touch the ground, i find myself trapped in a bubble of warmth and happiness. Clearly, to Dan i was more than another one of his fans, he had even suggested we do a video together! It seemed completely crazy to me that someone as talented and as popular as Dan was interested in working with a nobody like me. Though at the back of my mind, i was a little worried about the tiny fact that i lived four hours away from him and the price of the ticket didn't do any favors to my pocket.

Nevertheless, all the way home i replay my day with Dan, all the things he had said to me and just how amazing and surprisingly different he had already made me feel. It was like i had been living in a room of black, heavy smoke and now someone had opened a window and the smoke and fog was clearing. Leaving behind a white, fresh room, letting me breathe.


	6. Chapter 6

"There she is! My little superstar! The whole village is talking about you going up to London by yourself. How was it honey? Did you make lots of new friends? Did you meet anyone famous?" These are the questions i am hit with as soon as i get off the train. My mum locks me in a tight hug, squeezing me hard, but just the way she knows i like it. "Yes mum, i had a great time! I love London so much." Is all i manage to say, as she takes my bags off me and we start walking, the short distance back home.

Over a cup of tea and a couple of slices of cake, mum's real interrogation begins, starting with the train ride there. "Did you find the place alright?" "Yes, i didn't get lost at all. It's actually not as scary and big as it might seem." "And what where the people like there? Where there any YouTubers?" "Yes...Dan was there actually." "No! No way! Honey, that's great!" Mum hugs me, knowing just how much he means to me and i know that she won't believe me when i tell her the next part of the story.

"We hung out a lot actually, i kind of hurt my leg and he took me back to his flat to give me a plaster and then we watched a film for the rest of the day." Her expression changes from a big smile down to a appalled look. "What? Whats wrong?" "You went back to a stranger's flat, just for a plaster? Could you not buy one in a shop? How could you trust him so much Clara? I thought you knew better!" "No Mum, it's fine. He's not really stranger, seeing as i watch all his videos and he was so kind and nice to me. He wouldn't ever do anything bad Mum, i promise." She calms down a little, though she's clearly not happy with me and i know that she won't as happy to let me go back alone again.

"Look i'd better get going to work now Mum. I'm sorry i didn't tell you, but i know that i can trust Dan. He's...he's different." I stand up, walking out of the room. "It's just that Clara." I stop and turn round. "He clearly likes you, i mean it was trusting for him to let you into his flat too. You may have known him, but he didn't know you." She made a good point, one i hadn't even dared to think about. Of course i found him extremely attractive, god like even , but never in a million years did i think that he may think the same about me. "Just out of curiosity, does he have a girlfriend?" She asks, looking thoughtful. "No, in fact most of his fans ship him with his housemate, Phil."

She doesn't say anything else, so i go upstairs and get changed into my white blouse and black pencil skirt, otherwise known as my dreaded work uniform. I head outside, plugging in my earphones and blasting my music so loud that nothing else can get into my head. Not my worries about work, mum, money, moving out or even about Dan.

**TWO WEEKS LATER**

I let myself in, shivering, freezing and exhausted. I chuck my bag and jacket on the stairs and look for mum. I find her upstairs, talking on the phone to someone with her door to her room closed. I hover outside, listening in to her conversation. I can see her through a crack in her door, she is frowning and screwing up a piece of paper into a ball. "Yes, well thank you. I'm sure that she will pleased, no that's fine. She should be any minute now. No, i can pass the message on, yes that would be ok. Ok, ok, bye."

As soon as she hangs up and i walk in, sensing her nerves and stress. "Oh there you are Clara. How was work?" "Hell, as usual. Who was that on the phone?" "Oh that was nothing honey. Listen, i've been thinking, i have been saving up some money now and i would love it if you used it to go back up to London for a couple of days. It should cover the tickets, a hotel and food for you." "Mum, i can't use your money to go to London. It's yours." "Exactly my point, i decide what to use it for and i want you to go and enjoy yourself. Go for a week, take some time off work. You deserve it Clara." "Really?" She nods and i leap on her, kissing her head over and over and hugging her uncomfortably tightly.

"Get off! You'll break your mum. Why don't you text Dan, see if you can meet up?" "Oh, i know what this is now! You're just doing this to hook me up!" I joke, letting her go. "No, seriously. You said that he wanted to film with you and this is the perfect chance. Text him! Do it now!" She finds my phone and passes it to me. "Alright, alright." I say, already feeling butterflies in my stomach from even just texting him.

I hadn't got in contact with him since i saw him the other week and i was sure that he didn't want to see me again anymore, but seeing as Mum was paying for me to go to London, i felt as though i should.

_hi Dan, it's Clara here. I was wondering what you are up to next weekend? It's just i'm planning a trip back up to London and thought that we could meet up? Don't worry if you're busy._

After i decide that the message is causal enough, i press send and nearly throw my phone across the room with nerves. "Well don't get your hopes up Mum, he won't text back and if he did then he will be too busy." But just as i have finished speaking, my phone beeps with a new message. "Read it!" Mum shouts, gripping my arm. So i pick it up, barely able to read through my excitement.

_hey clara! great to hear from you again. this weekend sounds great! don't worry about getting a hotel, you can stay at ours to save money if you want. Can't wait, whens your train getting in?_

"Well, i guess that i'm going to London then!" I shout, jumping up from the bed and dancing around the room.


	7. Chapter 7

The fastest i have ever run in my life, was the Friday night after work, sprinting to the station, jumping onto my train just as it's doors started close. I sit in the empty carriage, leaning my head against the cold window and closing my eyes enough that the view outside turns into a few blurry lines of light. I felt relieved, as though i wasn't ever going to make it to London, but here i was, two weeks after buying my ticket for my second visit, on my train of escape, a weekend full of fun, happiness and Dan ahead of me.

I tuck my legs up on my seat, feeling chilly and suddenly feeling very alone. I play with my hair to keep my mind occupied, something i did when i was anxious or just needed something to do. I plait my hair, run my fingers through it and plait it back up again, over and over till eventually some more people get on and i start to relax more.

All the time i imagine the weekend, how Dan will be, whether he will keep his promise and will actually make a video with me. And mainly, i think about what mum had said, if Dan did fancy me, then what would happen? Would he make the first move? How would i react?

Three hours later, i text Dan, saying that i am close to arriving. He had agreed to meet me at the station, saying how i would never find my way back to his place. Of course i was extremely excited about seeing him again, but as i neared the city, i couldn't shake of the feeling that he didn't like me and i was just an annoying fangirl to him. But, seeing as i couldn't turn back now, i put on a brave face and push all my bad thoughts to the back of my head, where they would stay until Monday morning.

I walk off the train with a crowd of people around me, the evening settling in as the sky turns from grey to black. I walk off the platform and start looking round for him, trying to look out for his hair from the mass of people standing around. However, it is him who finds me first, running behind me, slightly out of breath, clearly late.

"Clara! Clara, over here!" I turn round, a massive smile hitting my face as i spot him, holding out a bouquet of flowers. "Dan! Hey!" I call out, walking towards him. We hug, i breath in his scent and savour every last second. "How was your train?" He asks, stepping back. "Not too bad, very quiet and very cold though." "These are for you by the way. They caught my eye on the way over here." He passes the flowers and i take a long deep breath of them. "Aw, thank you Dan. No one has ever brought me flowers before. That's so sweet."

"Are you hungry? I thought that we could go and grab some food if you want. I know this place quite near, where Phil said that he could meet us." He offers, as we start walking to the exit. "Sure, i'm starving. I came straight from work actually." "Wow, how was work?" "Crap, you know, i hate work. Really, i don't why i'm still there." "How long have you been working there?" "It started off as a weekend job when i was in school, just to earn some money, but when i finished school and i didn't enough money to go to Uni, i stayed there and went full time." "What do you want to do?" "That, is probably the hardest and most scariest question i am faced with to be honest. I have no answer."

Judging by the silence that follows, i must have scared Dan slightly because i defiantly scared by myself by being so open and honest. "I'm not sure what to say exactly." He admits, turning a corner in the street. "That's ok. I wasn't expecting you to give me a long lecture about finding a job. It's kind of nice, just being being able to talk and not needing to have a reply back." "Good. Well, this is the restaurant." He says, stopping outside a small Italian restaurant and opening the door for me.

Two hours later and the three of us arrive back to the boy's flat, tired, full of food and laughing away. "I'm stuffed." I complain, pulling off my coat. "Me too, great food though." Phil says, turning on the lights in the flat and turning on his laptop. "You must be shattered now Clara." Dan points out, just as i yawn. "Yeah, it's been a long day." "Shall i show you the office where you're sleeping? I'm afraid you're on the sofa bed, but it's not too bad."

I follow Dan to the office, a room i had seen plenty of times in the background of his videos and on his liveshows. The sofa was pulled out and a duvet on top, and feeling like i did, it looked the most comfiest bed in the world. "The bathroom's just down the hallway on the left so you know." "Thanks, think i'll go to bed now actually." "Ok, see you in the morning then. Sleep well Clara." Night Dan."

He lingers in the room for a second more and i am hit with the urge to just reach over and kiss him. And it is right there, in that moment that i find myself deep, deep, head over in heels in love with Dan Howell.


	8. Chapter 8

The next day, i wake up to the sound of the TV in the other room and Phil singing along to a theme tune of the show he is watching. I chuckle, as i stand up, stretching my arms out and already looking around the room for my hairbrush. I spend longer than i usually do, brushing out the mess of my hair and pulling on a hoodie over my pjs.

By the time i am ready to go out to the living room, Phil is gone, so i sit down on the sofa, turning my phone to catch up on twitter. I get up to get a glass of water a few minutes later. As i walk back into the living room i see Dan. "Morning." I drop my glass on the floor in shock at the sight of Dan in his boxers, and only his boxers.

"Oh God, i'm so sorry." I say, feeling my cheeks turn a bright red, as i pick up the glass off the floor. "No, i'm sorry. Should have put something else on, i forgot that you weren't Phil." I avoid his eye contact and hurry into the kitchen with the glass. I lean on the counter and have to take a couple of deep breaths to calm myself down.

The sight of Dan, just standing coolly in his boxers, was enough to make any person go into shock and make a fool of themselves. Though, i can't seem to stop myself remembering his slightly tanned, smooth torso. And his hair. His wavy, 'hobbit', just-out-of-bed, hair which made me weak at the knees. God he looked so much hotter with the natural hair, which was maybe why he always straighten it in his videos.

"Sorry about that. That was so awkward." He laughs, walking back in, this time in jogging pants and a t-shirt. Feeling brave, i force myself to look at him, finding his smile so safe and reassuring. "Yeah, it was a bit." I admit. "Probably won't be including that one in a 'reasons why Dan's a fail' video though." He takes a step towards me, "Speaking of which, do you still want to film a video together?" "Yes! Absolutely." I say, a bit too keenly. "Great, well i'll go and get ready and we film in my room in about half an hour?" "Great, sounds perfect."

I almost skip out of the room, suddenly feeling on cloud nine again. I chose my best outfit i had packed to film in. A light pink knitted jumper, tucked into a black skirt with little orange flowers printed on. I put my hair into a high ponytail, pulling out a few strands to hang loosely. I only put a little makeup, i never feel myself when i pile it on. Seeing my old self in the mirror was something that sometimes kept me feeling good. If a stranger looked back at me in the mirror, then that would send me over the edge.

I knock on his door at around half eleven, excited to be in his famous room for the first time. "Come in." He replies and so i do. He is standing by his camera, focused on the screen and testing the large light next to the camera. It feels odd to be making a video with all the proper equipment and seeing his room firsthand.

"Wow, your room is so amazing." "Thanks." He says, without looking up. I see his white 'butt' chair and another chair from the dining table set up. I take a seat on the wooden chair, and look round the room. "There we go, all set." He stands back and then joins me, sitting on the other chair. "So i had a few ideas about what to film about. Like maybe about the future of YouTube, or we could ask questions comparing our experiences on YouTube." "Oh, the question one sounds good and sounds interesting." "Great, well ladies first then. Though, we'll film the intro first if that's ok?" I nod, taking one last deep breath in, as he gets back up to start the camera.

This time when he sits back down, it's like he is a totally different person. He has changed to his professional, video making, YouTube celebrity self. "Hello internet!" He starts, giving his salute, "Today, as you can all see, i am joined by a extra special guest! See, told you guys that i had friends. Anyway, this is Clara. Internet say hello." "Hi!" I say, waving towards the camera. "Clara has her own channel here, so of course i'll link it in the description for you guys to go and subscribe. Now, Clara and me wondering about YouTube and how it can be completely different for every single user, so we thought that we ask each other questions to get a clearer view. Right, let's get started!"

"Ok, so Dan, how did it feel when you first started making videos, and you would get comments?" "It was amazing, every single time someone even viewed my videos i felt so happy and proud. Of course i still get that feeling now, just on a much larger scale. How about you?" "Pretty much the same. I read every single comment i get, seeing as i am not one of most popular YouTubers, and just knowing that someone out there is listening, is really cool." "Ok, moving on. How do you think of new ideas for your videos and do you worry about your content?" "Ideas pop into my head at random moments for me, which is why i always carry round my notebook. I get inspiration from everything and i believe that sometimes the best ideas are the most simple ones. Like just sitting and talking about issues and topics can sometimes be just right. So, no, i don't tend worry too much."

We carry on questioning each other for about 20 minutes, and i soon start to relax and really enjoy myself. "So, i think we covered everything. I hope that you guys found that interesting and tell us in the comments if you have any cool YouTube experiences you want to share. Bye for now!" "Bye!" We both wave and grin, till Dan gets up and stops the camera.

"That went well." He says, picking up the camera from the tripod. "Yeah, i still can't quite believe that, that just happened." "Well it did and you shouldn't be so starstruck. I'm not special, you're just as good at making videos as me. Maybe even better, i always struggle dealing with big topics, like self harm or depression. But you always deal with them so calmly and perfectly." "Thanks." I find myself, just sitting there, still grinning away at Dan, like some stupid school girl, with her crush.

Expect i knew that already things were more than just a small crush, it was knowing whether he felt the same was the hard part.


	9. Chapter 9

"So, what do you do for the rest of the day? I probably won't edit the video till Sunday night, so the day is ours." Dan says, as we walk to the living room, seeing Phil on his laptop. "How did the filming go?" He asks, shutting the screen down. "Great, fancy doing something with us this afternoon?" "Sure, what are we doing?"

Dan turns to me, "Um, we could go into town. You know, i've never been on the London eye." I say hopefully. "Sounds great! Let's go!" Dan says enthusiastically. So we take the tube into London, and head straight for the eye. All the while i try to get over the fact that i am going to London with Dan and Phil, who are becoming my actual friends!

In the queue, i spot a small group of girls who are about 10 meters away. One of them screams and points towards us and all the others turn and also start screaming and running over. It's then, that i realise that the boys have been spotted by some fans. Dan looks up from his phone when the girls get closer and nudges Phil. I spot Dan give a little sigh, but then suddenly his video-making smile is on and he and Phil are walking nearer to the edge of the queue, to talk to the girls.

I stand on my own in the queue, watching the boys hug and take photos with the girls and start to find myself falling into a hole of panic. I start to lose focus, my head spins and everything seems to get much louder around me. There are too many people near me and i lose sight of Dan and Phil. I have to get away from all the people around me, so i duck under the rope and walk round the back of queue, where it is quieter.

That's where i start to hyperventilate, my breathing is short and painful and i feel like i am about to be sick. I grab onto a metal barrier, as my panic attack hits a climax. I feel my tears running my cheeks, as i lower myself to the ground. I tuck my knees up to my chest and burrow my head deep, hoping that the darkness will bring relief.

I don't know how long i sat there, but after what seemed like hours i feel a hand on my shoulders and i am aware that someone is sitting next to me and that they are talking to me. "Clara! Clara, what's wrong? What happened?" I slowly lift my head up to see Dan crouching in front of me, a very worried look on his face. But i can't yet seem to talk, the words are stuck in my throat, lodged in there.

"It's ok Clara, i'm here. Everything's ok." He says slowly and calmly. "Take a deep breath in and a long one out." He starts breathing deeply and i copy him, staring right into his eyes, trying to keep my grip. After several deep breaths, i start to relax a little and i let Dan help me stand up. "What happened Clara? I was so scared when i saw huddled up in the corner."

"I was having a panic attack." I admit and then he hugs me. I don't normally like people hugging this soon after an attack, but with Dan it's completely different. His arms hold me tightly, and i feel his breath on my neck. "I'm so sorry Clara. I had no idea." He says, standing back. "It's ok." I start to say, but he interrupts me. "No, it's ok. I should have looked out for you, not let you have a panic attack in the middle of a huge city on your own." He pauses, looking behind me at the river. "Do you normally get them?" "Not as much as i used to. I had managed to control them, but every now and then it catches me off guard." He rubs my arm, and we start walking towards Phil, who stands a few meters away.

"I'm guessing that you want to go home." Dan says and i feel relieved that we don't have to stay here. "Yeah, if that's alright." "Of course it is, don't worry about it Clara."


	10. Chapter 10

All the way back to Dan and Phil's flat, Dan puts his arm round my waist and gives me his jacket. I can smell him on the jacket and i pull it even tighter around me, like he is holding me twice at the same time. I felt really shaken up and down heartened after the panic attack, i always did, but this time it wasn't half as bad. The worst part was feeling embarrassed, it was like some horrific nightmare, having Dan Howell watch you have a panic attack in the middle of London, completely out of the blue.

"How are you feeling now?" He asks, squeezing my shoulder a little in support. "Much better thanks. Look, i'm really sorry about that. I didn't give you any warning and just.." "No, Clara its fine. Trust me, i think everyone has had one of those moments. I'm just glad that i was there and found you before it got really bad." He interrupts me and i know from the tone of his voice that he really means it.

"Don't worry, we'll just have nice quiet night in. Get some pizza or something." Phil says, giving me a reassuring smile. "Ok, that does sound really nice actually."

Once we get back home, i take a long hot shower to relax and warm up. I look around the bathroom, whilst my hair soaks through. Looking at the boy's shower gel and i wonder just how many women visit their flat and take a shower here. I wasn't trying to feel big headed, but i soon realised that i was probably one of the few that did and surely that counted for something.

I get changed into a old jumper with leggings afterwards, pulling my damp hair up into a high ponytail and surprising myself at feeling brave enough to not wear any makeup.

I join Phil on the sofa once i hang up my towel on the stairs, who is looking at a menu for a pizza place. "What would you like to eat Clara? Me and Dan are boring and just go for the same every time but seeing as this is your first time ordering pizza with us?" "Oh, i'm really bad at ordering. I always take forever to chose." "Do you trust my taste?" "Sure, you pick for me. Where's Dan?" I ask, as Phil finishes the order and puts the laptop on the floor next to his feet. His face drops when i ask him.

"Oh, he's in his room." He says slowly and i get the picture that sometimes wrong. "Is he ok?" "Well, he does this sometimes. When something bad happens he tends to blame himself for it and he's sulking in his room." "Oh...right." I say, feeling incredibly guilty that i was the cause of Dan's unhappiness. "Should i go talk to him?" I offer, wanting to make things right. "If you feel brave enough, then sure, go for it."

So i get up and walk slowly to his closed door, wait a few seconds and then knock. He doesn't answer so i knock again, half knowing that i should just leave him, but i desperately want to see him.

"Dan, it's me." I say, talking into the door. "Can i come in?" Still no answer, but i wait anyway. "Ok." He replies, taking me by surprise. I carefully open the door, as if something is going to jump out at me. I find him lying on his bed, with his eyes shut. "Dan, you shouldn't feel bad about what happened. It wasn't your fault." I say, sitting on the edge of the bed.

"But if i had stayed with you and had seen that you were anxious then i could have helped or been with you." "It's ok. You didn't know and there was no way you could have known." Seeing no response from him, i move a little closer to him. "Dan, please. Honestly, blaming yourself isn't going to help at all. In fact its only going to make things worse. Let's just move on...please."

There's silence as my words finish and it's so quiet that i can hear his breathing. He opens his eyes and moves to sit next to me. "You're right Clara. I'm sorry, i'm not helping." "It's ok Dan, i don't want you feeling like you're to blame. Can we just move on?" "Yes, yes of course we can." He turns to look at me and i feel my heart to a little skip as our eyes meet.

I feel his breath on my neck before i realise that he is moving in, his eyes close and his hands hold the back of my head. I lean in too, shaking ever-so-slightly, but feeling my adrenaline race round my body. Our lips meet and an explosion of fireworks and heat hit me and nearly knock me back. We continue to kiss, slowly but gently, our bodies closer than ever before.

But then he sits back, all too sudden and reality sets back in with an almighty crash. His eyes light up with some kind of terror and shock and he stands up. Looking like i have just died. "What?" I say, about to throw up. He shakes his head, looking more and more horrified with every shake. "I...i. I have a girlfriend."

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**

**Hello!**

**I just wanted to give a quick note to say, as usual, a massive thank you for all your support so far and all your delightful comments! I'm sorry about the delay with this chapter, i'm finding my own drama crop up in real life!**

**I also wanted to wish one of my bestest ever friends, Alice, a huge happy birthday for today and a thank you for reading my stories and giving me much needed advice! Love you! xx**

**Thank you all again for reading and i hope you're all grand!**

**Love,**

**Lucyxxx**


	11. Chapter 11

There are those moments in life that take your breath away and either leave you feeling over-the-moon happy or like you have just lost the most important thing in life. Hearing Dan say those words left me breathless, it was the feeling of falling down the stairs, missing the last step and finding myself just falling. But this time there was no floor to catch me, it was just me. On my own.

"Wait, what?" I finally say, trying my hardest not to burst into tears and just run out of the room. "Yeah, it's like my best kept secret." He says, sitting back awkwardly, playing with his hair. "Oh..right. Who is she?" "Um, she's really nice actually. Her name is Charlotte and we've been dating for about 6 months." "Wow, i had no idea." "Thanks..i guess."

There's another painful silence and i start feel anger rising up inside of me. It's such a rare emotion for me to feel, and it completely takes me surprise. So that's why i was so shocked at my outburst. I leap up, the anger and jealously controlling me. "Dan! How could you? I mean, it's not like that kiss was coming. What did you expect me to feel after how you've acted around me?" He looks up at me, shocked and slightly scared.

"You buy me flowers, pay for my meals, walk around wearing boxers, let me stay at your flat, hold my hand and talk to me like you actually cared about me! I can't believe i fell for it! I actually thought that you liked me, i let myself believe that maybe, just maybe something could happen. Yet here i am! Caught out again and feeling like the world's biggest idiot!"

My voice sounds odd yelling, and i am unsure of what to do after i finish shouting, so i sit back down. "Clara...you're completely right." Dan says, after some time. "I completely led you on and i feel so bad and so stupid. But i really do like you Clara. I do, and it feels awful to have made you feel like this. I'll take all the blame for this and i understand if you want to go, but i still want to be friends."

I let his words sink in, and slowly i slip from rage to exhaustion. "I'm sorry i yelled at you Dan. I guess it was a big shock to hear that you have a girlfriend. Seeing as you have such a huge fan base." "Yeah, i'm pretty proud of it. I'm thinking about announcing it soon, she just needed some time to prepare for all the attention she'll get." He laughs slightly and i relax, our row already behind us.

"Trust me though Clara, she is really lovely. You'd love her." I doubt it, i think to myself, but find myself saying, "Yeah, i'm sure i will. Can i meet her?" By the look on Dan's face i have completely and utterly shocked him as well as myself. "Sure...sure. I'll call her now if you want. She could come over tomorrow." He gets up and closes the door behind me and i lie face down on the bed, too tired to think anymore about the mess i have gotten myself into.

It's about twenty minutes before i can bring myself to get up and walk slowly to the living room, my head foggy and my stomach in knots. "Clara, i called her and she can come over tomorrow for lunch. Is that ok?" Dan says as soon as i appear, giving me an unsure smile. "Yeah, that sounds great." I sit down next to him, wanting to hug him for comfort but knowing that after our conversation i really shouldn't.

"Phil's angry at me, just so you know." Dan says suddenly, turning to look at me. "What? Why?" I say, a little too loudly. "He thinks i should have told you about Charlotte earlier." "Oh...right." I wait for him to continue, wondering what he will say. "I agree with him, but i can't change things now. Anyway, you know now. Haha, you should feel privileged that you know, barely anyone does." I feel sick as he laughs, a bit upset that he seems to find things funny when only minutes ago he broke my heart. It was a bit like he was enjoying having two people in love with him.

"Clara?" I fall out of my daydream to see Dan repeating my name. "Clara? Do you?" I realise that i have completely blocked him out and he must have asked me a really important question and now he wants an answer. I desperately search my mind for answer to a question i haven't heard. "No, i don't." I answer, and it must have been the right thing to say because Dan's face turns into relived smile and he hugs me tightly.

"Good." He whispers in my ear, sending shivers down my spine at him being so close to me, yet so far away from me.


End file.
